It was the most crushing news that could have come my way.
News that I was dreading……. news that I was trying so hard to avoid, and actually, to be honest, that I was deep down fearing.
Outside, it was a beautiful summer day, one that you would long to enjoy. But I paid no attention to that gorgeous afternoon as I left the Doctor’s office.
I was hoping the MRI would show something different …. I had already been through a hard surgery with a long recovery, and I was hoping to move on and put it behind me.
Next to hearing in our early years of marriage that I might not be able to have ANY children at all, being told now, that it is too risky to continue to give birth to children was to say the very least…… devastating!
This wasn’t the plan!
“ ‘But, I’ve always wanted more children’,
‘I saw a vision’,
‘Isaac can’t be our last!’ “
These are some of the statements that flooded my mind, as I ran to my vehicle crying.
Crying so hard that attempting to drive home right then would be dangerous.
So I sat.
I sat in my van for a very long time. No other noise I heard, but the loud, hard sobbing coming from my heart. I saw other people around me, getting in their cars and driving off, but everything was in slow motion as I still sat in that parking lot. Memories pour in as I remember quite well this very same feeling 12 years ago, when I was told that our first baby I was pregnant with, was no longer living inside of me.
I never thought I would feel that same sort of pain again as I did back then ….. But I was greatly wrong. I did, and it was too much to bare.
My heart….. Was broken.
That news of not being able to have more children physically came to me over a year ago. My body won’t handle it properly to carry another child I was told……. and I grieved. And to tell you the real truth, I am still grieving today. It’s even hard to write this down, through my cloudy teared filled eyes. But I am still grieving over what I once thought would be.
That fifth child I saw, the beautiful plan I had, the excitement to grow, it had now died in my eyes. And for months and months, sorrow took over me, and I didn’t even want to get up in the mornings. My broken heart wasn’t letting me.
Ever been there?
Ever been in such a dark spot, that even the thought of getting up is heavy and hard?
Not only did I feel the physical pain through my injury, an injury that I’m told I will need another surgery in the future, but I felt the overwhelming emotional pain in my heart that would lead me to ask “Can a heart actually break?”. Each morning I had to put on a different face. A face that said I am getting up today, I am still strong, and a face that wouldn’t cry in front of my children each morning. It was a face that covered up the deep deep sadness going on inside.
Not only was my heart broken, but my injured body ached all the time – A constant reminder of the reason why I couldn’t have another baby.
This was just the reality of what I was going through over the last few years….. And heartbreak is different for everyone.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
I often wonder, and ask myself what I would have done without Him. “How would I get through these things without God?”. If He is close to my broken heart, and can save my crushed spirit, then His grace is upon me, and I continue to get up.
Yes, I have learned to live with unanswered questions, and yes, I choose to trust blindly…… it’s called faith. So I will simply choose to……. Get up.
To Be Continued…